Never, in my entire life, have I ever seen an interview so damning of two individuals than last week’s 60 Minutes interview between Mike Wallace and Roger Clemens… never. It was so putrid, I really don’t know how to describe it… so let me tell you what it wasn’t. It certainly was not hard-hitting journalism, and although I appreciated Roger very clearly not having well-rehearsed responses to the questions, it certainly was not a very strong showing of intellect. Let’s just say Roger has no career in the booth and has the improv skills of Joseph Stalin in his current state.

Let’s go through some of the interview, shall we, and let me show what I’m talking about.

CLEMENS Never happened. Never happened. And if if if I have these needles and these steroids and all these drugs, what, where did I get ‘em. Where is the person out there gave ‘em to me? Please, please come forward.

First of all, “if if if”? In the end, I don’t know if I was more offended by his possible Steroid use or his complete abuse of the English language, but my guess is that a lot of high school English teachers shuddered simultaneously at that moment… well, pretty much the entire interview.

Now onto my point; “Where is the person out there gave ‘em to me? Please, please come forward.” Trafficking steroids is a major crime. That would be like Daryl Strawberry contending that he never did blow because no one ever stepped forward to take credit for the sale. If someone comes forward to say they supplied Roger with ‘roids, you damn well know they are going to be the lucky recipients of a full body cavity search and have their lives turned inside out by the Feds. Stupid stupid stupid.

WALLACE Okay. Anything you want to tell [Brian McNamee].
CLEMENS Yeah. I treated him fairly. I treated him as great as anybody else. I helped him out!

Damn it all! A guy supposedly lied to the Feds and all of America about your steroid use, and all you want to tell him is that you treated him fairly? Shit Roger, all people want to hear is something like, “yea, I want to tell him I’m pissed off that he lied and he can go to hell.” You treated him fairly? Come on. Think Roger, think. That huge head of yours has to have something in there… right?

CLEMENS My body never changed. If he’s putting that stuff up in my body, if what he’s saying which is totally false, if he’s doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth.

What??? You’re accused of taking steroids and HGH… not being Radioactive Man or having super-human strength. From this statement I have to conclude that either Roger is very dumb, or Roger is very innocent. But probably not both.

CLEMENS I won—in 1997 I won the Cy Young Award. 2004 when he supposedly, I wasn’t doing it.

Okay, here’s how I head that statement: when he supposedly, I wasn’t doing it. Meaning, that if “he” was supposedly not doing it.. then does that means that you are contending that he was doing it? I’m really confused at this point.

WALLACE Never, never a human growth hormone?
CLEMENS Never.
WALLACE Never testosterone?
CLEMENS Never. Never.
WALLACE And never anabolic steroids?
CLEMENS Never.
WALLACE Swear?
CLEMENS Swear.

WALLACE Pinkie swear?
CLEMENS Pinkie swear.

At this point I’m wondering when the two BFF’s are going to exchange friendship bracelets.

WALLACE If you were to testify before the congress under oath would you tell them exactly what you told me today?
CLEMENS And even probably more about the Vioxx question.

What? Vioxx? Last time I checked, this was not a Congressional hearing about abuse of anti-inflammatory meds. I don’t think they care about Vioxx. Actually, I know they don’t care about Vioxx. “Yes, and I’d tell them all about the dangers of over-consumption of Flintstones chewable vitamins. It’s ruined my life.”

WALLACE How about a lie detector test?
CLEMENS Some say they’re good. Some say they’re not. Do whatever. I mean—
WALLACE So as far as you’re concerned you would conceivably?
CLEMENS Yeah. I don’t know if they’re good or bad.
WALLACE Were you to pass a lie detector test, would that help prove that you’re telling the truth and help restore?
CLEMENS Would it?
WALLACE I don’t know.
CLEMENS I don’t either.

Yes Roger. Yes. It’s pretty obvious you lack the mental capability to pass a lie detector test. So yes, passing a lie detector test… or even passing 2 of 3 tests would be a great step towards regaining the trust of the fans who have paid hundreds and thousands of dollars to see you play over your career and to whom owe nothing to you… even the benefit of the doubt.

The saddest thing at this point, is that it took Roger a month. A freakin’ month, after the Mitchell report to put out a completely staged phone call and an interview which, if you ask me, have been worse than doing nothing.

You know, I’ll be honest. By the end of the interview I was much more offended by his stupidity than any possible past use of steroids and HGH. It’s truly amazing this man’s kids can read, and if he did take steroids and HGH, we should applaud him, because this man would have been a danger to any workplace in America. Keeping him in baseball probably saved lives. In that case… this is probably how the interview should have gone…

CLEMENS You want answers?
WALLACE I think I’m entitled to them.
CLEMENS You want answers.
WALLACE I want the truth!
CLEMANS You can’t handle the truth! Old man, we live in a world that has sports. And those sports have to be played by men with steroids. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Mike Wallace? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for baseball and you curse the players. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that using steroids, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence in baseball, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives…You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that mound. You need me on that mound. We use words like honor, code, loyalty…we use these words as the backbone to a life spent playing something. You use ‘em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entertainment I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I’d rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a ball and grab a needle. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!