You know, I did this a while back for the NBA… predicted, or rather incorrectly predicted the NBA playoffs using the mascots to determine the winner of each round. It was such a rousing failure on so many levels that I thought I’d do it again.

American League

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Wally the Green Monster vs Rally Monkey
Boston Red Sox vs Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of USA of …

The Angels really do not have an official mascot, but the rally monkey will do here. Wally, is of course named after the left field fence in Fenway park which is a fixture of not only Boston sports, but also of baseball in America. That wall represents so much history. On the other hand, the rally monkey represents a fad that was funny in 2002, growing old in 2005 and slightly annoying in 2007. Also, the rally monkey exists only on television and probably could not stand up to the rigors of hand-to-hand combat because the monkey on the video clip probably died in some lab a few years back. Wally advances.

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Slider “the slightly more PC mascot” vs A-Rod’s Wife
Cleveland Indians vs New York Yankees

Man, the Yankees think that they are so good that they don’t need a mascot. Well, because of that I had to opt to use A-Rod’s wife because she is the closest “character” I can tie to the Yanks. From what I know about Mrs. Rodriguez, she’s a pro with profanity, but not so great in physical conflicts. Here’s how it goes down: Mrs. Rod goes straight for the junk, only to find slider is as clean and clear downstairs as a Ken doll. Slide on Cleveland.

National League

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The Ghost of Harry Caray vs D. Baxter the Bobcat
Chicago Cubs vs Arizona Diamondbacks

Oh, har, har, har. D-Backs… D. Bax? The lameness is so thick I could pour it over noodles for a rich pasta dish. On the other hand, you have a ghost who, if he were a hot dog, would “mother myself with brown mustard and relish.. I’d be so delicious!”. You can’t argue with that kind of logic. Caray defeats D. Bax.

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Dinger vs the Philly Fanatic
Colorado Rockies vs Philadelphia Phillies

This is the toughest contest to judge because you never know what can happen when you match two crackheads against each other. Allow me to explain: first, look at the Fanatic. Enough said. Second, I know I’ve seen Dinger before, and no one’s convincing me that’s not Barney. If Barney has sunken down to mascot level there’s no way he’s not smoking rocks, desperate for cash to get him to his next fix. Also, I get the feeling that Barney would eat his own young to succeed, which explains the rotating cast of kids on his show. Barney is secretly a savage beast. The Fanatic never had a chance against Dinger/ Barney’s pure savagery.

Semifinals:
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Slider vs Wally the Green Monster
Being politically correct only gets you so far in life. Being an icon prevails. Wally to the World Series.

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The Ghost of Harry Caray vs Dinger
If something can scare off a crackhead, it would be the police… or possibly a ghost. The World Series is set.

World Series

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The Ghost of Harry Caray vs Wally the Green Monster

The Ghost of Harry’d “come at you like a tornado made of hair and teeth, and fingernails.” That’s just what he does… The Ghost of Harry Caray is the winner of the 2007 Mascot World Series.